The only parenting advice I've ever stapled to my heart is that everyone is different.
I seek a lot of validation in my life. I like to know what people think about my career choices, my life choices, heck, even my outfit choices. I don't do this out of a sense of insecurity or instability. Rather, I like to take a temperature check every so often just to make sure I'm not going off the rails. I work from home. I spend a lot of time in my head. I talk to my cat a lot. It's good to check in with the rest of the world.
And I don't think I'm alone in this practice. It's healthy to take a little time every day to reflect inward, do a full brain and body scan, and make sure your choices line up with your intentions. And if not, figure out why.
While I am just dying to know what you think about my new shoes, I draw the line with one aspect of my life that, frankly, I don't really care about what you think. And that's parenting.
Everyone is different
That sounds harsh, but here's the thing: What works beautifully for one parent will not necessarily work for you. Even more importantly, what works for one baby or child will not necessarily work for yours. Parenting is an ongoing experimentation in how to make life work in a way that makes everyone as happy, healthy, and safe as possible.
I can't tell you how many times I have felt like I was really crushing it in the parenting game in the early days of Theo's life, only to report some off-the-cuff daily event to someone and in return be met with a blank stare or some look of abject horror.
What I very quickly realized was that those widening eyes and downturned lips weren't bad. And if they were, I didn't care. More often, they were other new or new-ish parents reconciling what they knew with what I knew and sometimes those two things were wildly different. Because every baby is different. I'll repeat that: every. baby. is. different.
I'm really lucky that I had my first baby around the time that many of my closest friends were also having theirs. I had a regular middle-of-the-night text chain with a gaggle of amazing women on the other end who were dealing with their own new parenting scenarios both good and bad. I was also lucky to have a best friend who was dealing with her third baby by the time my first rolled around. Because by the third, nothing is as scary as it was the first time. Slap a little hydrocortisone on it and get movin'. I harnessed her wisdom and collected calm.
My girlfriends and I reached out to each other regularly with questions, updates, stories about bodily fluids in public, and pictures of questionable rashes. Of the half dozen or so women that I regularly bounced questions and ideas off of though, no one had the same answer or identical experience that anyone else was having. And that was good for me to understand that no one -- not my friends, my neighbors, or even my pediatrician can give me answers or instructions that are written in stone.
The best you can do is take as much or as little of that advice as you want and put your own spin on it. Let them cry it out or don't. Wean now or in a year. It's okay that he's not walking or talking or crushing solids yet. It's great if she is. It's just a cough. The fever will pass. You look like you need a drink.
Sometimes "bad things" make me a better parent
The internet exists to tell you you're doing it wrong. I read all the time about how unsafe it is to run with your baby in a running stroller. I asked my pediatrician about it and her answer stuck with me and shaped the basis of almost all of my parenting decisions going forward: "Does it make you a better mom?"
By that she meant if a running stroller is the only way I'm going to get a run in and if running is what calms my mind, helps me set my intentions, and focuses me on what is most important, then, yes, I should absolutely do it without a second guess.
Sometimes I do things that all the parenting blogs have told me are wrong because it works for me. By that I mean it buys me time, calms me down, or helps me get something off of my To Do list that is giving me anxiety and distracting me from being fully present. Is it selfish? Maybe. But does it make me a better parent? Yeah, it does. So in the end, do I care if other parents judge me for it? Hell no.
I don't stop him from crawling in the mud ... because otherwise we'd only leave the house in perfect weather.
I let him watch an episode of Sesame Street whenever he's sick ... because he's sick all the time, hates to be put down, and it allows me to have a coffee, collect myself for a few minutes, and dive back into caretaking with way more patience and gusto.
I let him eat the leaf ... because otherwise I'd spend all out time at the playground knocking leaves from his mouth instead of playing with him. Now he spits them out himself.
I don't mind when he licks the table at the restaurant ... because otherwise we'd never go out to eat as a family.
I don't say no to sugary treats with empty calories ... because I also focus on crafting intentional, nutritious meals at every sitting. And because, let's be honest, I eat them too.
I get another round of drinks at happy hour ... because when Doug and I can sit back and enjoy a drink while Theo makes a mess at the table with us, I'm a happier person.
And so much of being a great parent is being a happy person. If you ask me, it makes for happy kids.
The only piece of parenting advice I ever give
Expect the unexpected. Go with the flow. If you expect life to be a little crazy, it's a heck of a lot easier to deal with it when it is. And life will be a little crazier right now. You will deal with a poop explosion in a crowded restaurant. Your boobs will leak at a really inopportune time. You're going to stress sweat right through that outfit.
When you accept these things are going to happen to you once or many times, life is easier. I'm the type of parent who wants to do it anyway. I want to go to happy hour. I want to go to (an early) dinner. I'm going to plant flowers and run errands and go to the park or the aquarium or the museum. And I'm going to do it all with Theo because doing things with him makes me happy. It makes me a better mom.
It's easy to get stressed when Doug and I are sitting at a table, trying to eat a meal or enjoy a drink while Theo is throwing food or spilling drinks or ripping napkins in the high chair between us. Sometimes it's tempting to say screw it, it's not worth it. But for me, it is.
Over this past 15 months with Theo I've learned to just go with the flow more so than ever before. And most importantly to trust my gut. I could spend a lot of time worrying -- a lot -- if I let myself. Did he eat enough? Did he get enough nutrition today? Is he talking late? Is he hitting his milestones?
I've learned to trust that I am doing the best I can and that's all I can do. He is healthy. He is happy. He is safe. I barely know anything about raising a baby, but neither does anyone else. We're all doing what works for us and that is perfect.
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